MEMORIES OF LOVED ONES PASSED

Even though eight years have passed since Chip's murder, moments of desperate grief still rush through me. I can go days now, sometimes weeks, and never think of that horrible, dark, and dreary morning. That morning where not only the life I had come to love was so rapidly ripped away, but that morning where Chip's was as well. His sacrifice however, runs much deeper than mine-- he died.

One would think after all of this time, those hours of horror would feel less alive and not so present-day. That's not how it works though. That thing called "Time", it doesn't erase the missing of those we have loved and lost. Time simply places those memories gently behind the lives we lead, lurking and waiting for that perfect moment to leap in to knock the wind right out of you. 

The one thing that these last eight years has taught me is to lean into the grief when it sneaks up from behind. I now understand it's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to crawl into bed and rest. It's okay to take out the time needed to release the sorrow. 

Sweet and beautiful memories are wonderful to think about. They actually do help us heal. When those not-so-favorable ones creep in though-- take your time to work through them. Trust yourself and allow your heart to feel what it needs to experience. That too, helps us heal.  ~Much love, Lyn...  

SPECIAL DATES

When those monumental dates get closer and closer, my mind tends to focus on them more and more. I find myself daydreaming about what would have been, what could have been, and what might have been. 

I find myself losing time inside the bliss of reliving our beautiful memories, wishing so badly we could have shared so much more. 

Grateful am I, to have been loved by an amazing man. Grateful am I, to continue to be loved by his spirit. There are no words to describe this magical love, this magical way of being. I live in awe...  ~Lyn Ragan

I can't believe it's been almost eight months since I've touched this blog. The last entry was a joyous occasion, to some, but to others I have a feeling it didn't really matter one way or the other. The murderer who stole the life of the man I love was sentenced to life without parole. But what does that mean? Is it safe to assume he'll never get out? Is it safe to assume he'll live behind those bars for the remainder of his days?

Do I really care? Does it matter to me what his future holds?

No, interestingly enough, it doesn't. I don't care anymore. I give him no thought whatsoever, yet here I sit writing about him. I literally had to stop myself and ask, "why?" Am I doing this because I believe someday another will read these words and feel the same as I? Is it because I have this unyielding desire to share my most inner thoughts in the hopes that someday others like me will understand this belief as I do? Or is it because I've finally, after all of these years, I've finally forgiven this man for what he did?

If I believe that everything happens for a reason (and I do) then I also have to believe my darling Chip was meant to depart when he did. And if I believe that, then I also have to believe he was meant to depart the "way" that he did. And if I believe that, then I have to believe the man who murdered him was meant to "also" give his life for that event...too.

"What an Advanced Soul he is to have agreed to do what he did. And then to carry it out!"

Years ago, a very special lady floored me when I heard her say these very words. I knew she was speaking of the killer, but I couldn't wrap my head around the words she used. Advanced Soul? How could anyone possibly think he was an advanced soul? And why would she say something like that to me? Especially at a time when my heart was aching so badly for Chip.

I never forgot it though. To this very day, I never forgot what she said. I do believe in past lives, reincarnation, agreements, contracts, synchronicity; I do believe there are no coincidences. As much as I "knew" or "felt" this man to be an evil man...I never once thought of him as an Advanced Soul. I never thought of him as a good man, a special man, a loving man...or anything that resembled what I considered at the time as Love. All I knew is that I wanted to stay away from him...no matter what that took.

I've looked back many times, re-living every second of that morning, re-living time when the killer stood in my presence...he lived a very selfish life-style. But he would have needed that in order for him to get to that point of loathing Chip, to get to that point of taking another human's life, to get to that point where he fulfilled the agreement between he and Chip...to murder Chip's physical body.

If agreements, contracts, whatever word I as a human need to use to describe a relationship of goodness or of Love...I also need to acknowledge the agreements between those who have contracted to depart this life in a way that seems unsuitable to many...but for those on the Other Side...never seem to care about.

Chip and this Advanced Soul crossed their t's and dotted their i's and made what happen...happen. I literally can do nothing else but send the man who sits in prison, love and light. Whatever happens next in his life is meant to happen, as is mine. My journey now...is to focus on the road ahead...not on that past.

Sometimes though...that's much easier said...than done...

SENTENCE HEARING COMPLETED

Chip Oney loved this picture of himself. He is such a proud Scottish gent. I loved how he held them shoulders back, smiled large, and danced crazily flicking his man-skirt all around. All I did was laugh!

Today, the man who snatched his life from him has finally been given his sentence. After being found Guilty of First Degree Murder in January, at approx 3:40 this afternoon, the gavel had the final word. Life in Prison without Parole. Never again in this lifetime, will he kill another human being because of his jealousy, his arrogance, or his selfish attitude. With Vito Bell removed from society, the streets are now a little safer.

This Chapter ... has been completed and that four year old book filled with grief, horror, disbelief, and tons of agonizing pain, has been ... released!